"I Calls Em Like I Sees Em!"

May 11, 2010

I've ended my relationship with my lover of 17 years!

Yes you read that right...my lover of 17 years, Marlboro has been kicked to the curb & all this time you guys thought I was single.  It occurred to me yesterday that cigarettes like any other addiction are a relationship & this was by far the worst relationship I've ever had & I didn't even know it.  I was talking to a friend yesterday & he said "how can you dis this relationship? weren't they always there for you?".  At first I said yes but then quickly realized that no, they weren't there for me when I needed them, I had to pay them to be there when I needed them they didn't just magically appear when I was feeling down or bored.  Some lazy days I even had to get dressed & go pick them up & pay them to come home with me.  Really?  I paid Marlboro to come home with me every single day & what did they do for me?  Absolutely nothing productive!  They helped me avoid my to-do list, made me smell really bad, ruined my teeth, ruined my lungs, blocked my sense of taste and smell, and most of all made me look like white trash.  I chose to ignore all of these signs & kept spending time with them anyway just hoping & praying that one day they would in some way realize that I was worth more or just go away.  They never did, they kept getting more & more expensive to spend time with & when I was busy doing something else they were just in the back of my mind telling me that I needed them.  I swear they brain washed me into thinking I was happy, just like some douche bag guy & guess what?  The douche bag guy would have been kicked to the curb after 2 months so why in the hell did I let these pricks hang around for so long?  

Well, they had a hold on me, I loved them & loved the way they made me feel, that they were always around & made every single thing I did better.  For a very long time there they had me convinced that I did need them after I eat, when I'm driving, when I'm watching TV, at work...anytime really but obviously I woke up & decided to tell the bastards just what I wanted out of life & that unfortunately they were no longer in the picture.  Shockingly, they didn't even stand up for themselves so that just proved my point that I didn't need to be with a lover who couldn't even say sorry & tell me why it was I needed to be with them.  So now here I am, 9 days without the bastards and I could care less, I feel good, I smell good, and I've realized that I'm better than needing to be with anything or anyone that doesn't need me back.  So Marlboro, I want you to go away & stay away from me, I do not need you in my life, you are a selfish one sided prick that doesn't even deserve my glance let alone my affections.  The last 17 years were mostly a blast but I've realized that was because of me, not you so you can suck it, I do not need you anymore!
photo courtesy Gary Neville blogs.soccernet.com
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